Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sunday Silence...

There was a thoroughbred race horse named Sunday Silence... but that's not what this entry is about.  
It has been a strange Sunday for me.

I only cried a few times today about random things one would not normally find tear worthy.
The past month or so I have been pretty emotional, but not predictibly emotional, just emotional.  At weird times and in strange places, doing just about anything.  My "strong silent mysterious man" says I need to wear a sign of explanation around my neck so that people don't think he is beating me up at home.  I don't even know what I would put on such a sign?  

"My son is moving on and growing up (like he is supposed to) and I am THE MOM and didn't see it coming for 19 years (duh) and it's hitting me from out of the blue, Oh and.... my husband doesn't beat me.  But I am okay. .  Just pass me a tissue!"

So just to clarify, Jim isn't beating me.  It's just a weird place for me, I am excited and nervous for the adventures ahead for Jacob... and so, so, so proud of the man he is becoming!!  I am also excited and nervous about my job as a mother, that ever changes, that I will be the best Mom I can be and know what to say, and how to act, and how to love enough, but not smother him and let him grow (like he is supposed to... maybe if I say it enough?).
I am excited but kind of anxious about what life will be like in an empty nest.  No one should prepare for that... it is definitely a "wing it" transition in life.... preparing seems weird to me.

But I would not have it any other way, I really wouldn't!  I am sooooo happy Jacob has decided to serve God and devote his time to a mission for our church.  I feel soooo much love and have so many blessings, and I know they are from God!!  He truely knows me.  All the crying just makes me feel really selfish about all of that, but I can't seem to help it... I get touched in my heart, and well it's all over, there's tears everytime :)
Honestly, I never imagined this time would come in my life.  Since Jacob was very very little, I always thought something would happen to me or him that I would not get to see him grow up.  I know that sounds morbid, especially for a Mom.  And I tried not to live in fear all the time, but milestones that are just hard for some parents with teenagers were, at times, dehibilitating to me... like learning to drive, and graduation night.   But here we are, and I have loved our journey.

Today, I saw two little sisters sharing a roll of smarties... I cried thinking about Jacob sharing his smarties with his Dad.  For years they played a matching game that, of all the colored candy in the world, could only be played with smarties... and only with each other.  It was special to the two of them.  And since I am really missing them both... yes I cried over smarties at church today :)

And I really thought I would be off the hook when our lesson with the youth was about "Extended Family Relationships".... I thought yay! we won't be focused on anything that will make me cry talking about my family today... surely I can get through the extended family without bawling.  Until our dear sweet teacher asked the girls to share something from the lesson last week... "What kinds of activities do you do in your families that you really enjoy, or that you might really miss when you move out?"  

So immediately I was flooded with all the thoughts of things we do together as a family that we won't be able to do for two years while Jacob is gone, or that won't be the same without Jacob here.  Yes, I cried while the girls were sharing funny stories about competitive card games and fun HAPPY things they like to do with their families!  I felt like a huge loser!   It was a small group of girls so I was kind of obvious blubbering and sniffeling and didn't hide it well.... so I just explained, briefly and tried to hold it together until the end of church.

I was happy to be home safe in my quiet little home to wait out the rest of my time today.

The boys are on their way home :)  The reality of cooking dinner, dirty dishes, piles of drinking glasses, and a ton of laundry and smelly "boy" socks they will bring home with them is setting in.  But the reality of the hugs and happy fun loving laughter is coming back to my mind too!

Tomorrow is the teenagers physical with his doctor.  It should be the last step in completing the mission application paperwork.  Watch for more tears, I mean more updates, on that soon.

1 comment:

Lindsey said...

So thanks Beth, I needed a good cry :) I think your sign would be perfect and I think you are having the same emotions that every other mother has had. YOu have spent 18 years making him into the man he is today, loving him unconditionally and protecting him. I don't think it is in any way selfish of you to cry over the fact that you are moving to a new chapter of your life with him. You are such a good mom and have done such a wonderful job. My mom wrote me a letter when I turned 18 that I still have to this day and she said "whether I am holding you as a baby, hugging your pain away from a scrapped knee or holding you in my heart when you are away from me you are my child - the same one who turns 18 today and the same one I am looking down at on our very first day together. The feeling is still incredibly overwhelming but much more comfortable since I know I couldn't and didn't break you." I think of that often with my own children and wonder how it will feel when I am in your position.

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