Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ramblings in my head...

I can't believe how far we are into January! I started out the year, really pondering goals and my word of the year and aspiring to new heights physically, spiritually, and emotionally this year. But I was very quickly bogged down by all of my thoughts with the lack of time to organize them into even a list of goals or even put them in any order, and that quickly begins to cause me to doubt my abilities and question whether I fall short because I set the bar too high and at unreasonable levels. But that drive deep inside me always tells me, I can do and accomplish ANYTHING!!!!

As a result of all of this going on inside my head, I remain dazed and confused allot of the time. And without the support of my husband around for my daily sounding board... well I have just been overwhelmed. Several friends told me I should wait for goal setting, and not try and tackle so much at one time. Maybe that is good advice.

So in the meantime, I am still trying on my word of the year for practice, sometimes it lifts me to higher levels, and sometimes I feel like I fall so short of it, that it would take me way more than a year to live up to it, so maybe it is one of those unreasonable expectations I put upon myself that I need to reconsider.

I wake up everyday with responsibilities, and things I need to accomplish, some things I would just like to do, and things I feel I NEED to do, and I always have the best of intentions to stay focused so I can accomplish the most, and do my very best at them. But inevitably, EVERYTHING seems to take longer. I think I will stop to do one quick little thing and 2 hours later, I am finally onto the next thing. What is that about? Am I just slow in my old age? Am I ADD and just distracted by any and everything along the way? Do I allow too many distractions? I still don't know the answer, and probably just short of writing down what I am doing in an hour by hour log, I might not. I am not sure I can commit to that just yet, so that is a problem I am less interested in finding a solution to at the moment.

Blogging... it has been a love/hate relationship for me lately. With all that is on my mind... to get it off my mind and write it down, might relieve some pressure. However, rambling... I hate rambling, I hate reading my rambling later (ramblings like this). But I love going back and remembering the moments, cherished moments in time I had forgotten about. The time to blog has been another issue for me.... I have just chosen to check email and get off the computer... other searching, checking, blogging, reading tends to distract me and I spend time that is probably not as quality for me as spending it reading my scriptures, taking care of my responsibilities in my home etc. Oh the balance game is tiring.

Putting myself first... guilt, what is it with the guilt? If I have to sacrifice something to put me first, I feel like I will be letting someone else down. In reality I am sure "someone else" doesn't even care!! I have no idea how to fix this, but I am sure my guilt meter is broken.

I am still such a work in progress! I have so many things I want to work on, to be better, to feel better, to know more, to live more! I don't even know where to start? In the meantime I keep plugging away, I am happy, I feel pressure at times, but I am not stressed. I don't like some of the things that I am stretched to do, but when I do them, I am blessed... and I grow from it! So I am growing allot lately!! I count my blessings, I know how very many I am receiving DAILY!! God loves me! He knows ME!! I don't feel alone, but I also don't think I have an understanding what HE wants from me in my life. I know I have great things to accomplish; I just have to get myself in alignment to receive direction for them. That alignment process is trickier than it sounds, but the steps are simple. I know the steps. I just have to keep taking them.

So today... one foot in front of the other!


Donna Lynn said...

What a beautiful picture! You look great!

Beth said...

Thanks Sis! I hope I don't sound crazy?

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